The feeling of feeling like crap

As a follow-up to my ironic incident last Saturday (about my last post).. I am very happy to say that I didn't get in. Yaay. Please congratulate me. Oh..whatever.

It feels awful pitying yourself. Yes. That is how I feel right now. I feel stupid and a useless bitch. Excuse the attitude but that is the truth. Considering what happened today, I think this day will go to the records of the worst days ever. I can definitely remember every single detail. Our school paper head was announcing the fortunate people who will be the staff and editors of our effin school paper . She was down to the least positions and my f*ckin' name wasn't called yet. I was shaking and my hand were clammy. And the moment has come... she called my name and Sophie's and told us that she's sorry but blah blah blah (you know what happened next). Everyone stared at us with a look of pity. I faked a smile of course. I hid my emotions that my throat started to hurt. It may sound like an over reaction but i felt like collapsing to tears. My eyes wanted to shed tears so badly but I held them back. It was very hard. And no way in hell did i liked it.

She mentioned that we can still be contributors and our names will appear on the paper to give us some credit. Hello?? What was she thinking? What she said definitely didn't help me feel better. It was like what we call a consuelo de bobo. Like a consolation prize for a loser. My spirit was crushed and my pride was torn into pieces. I tried to put them back together by thinking that their missing out a great writer but I just felt like a liar to myself. I feel very bad. Self-pity...shiit..

I keep on questioning if whether or not I deserved to be in this situation. I can't blame anyone else but myself. It was me who was mentally blocked and allowed stupidity to take over. Remembering what happened makes me cringe and feel like barfing. It was so embarassing. I mean only the two of us were not qualified.

The only thing that makes me still want to go on is the fact that when I inform people that I wasn't qualified, they wonder why. At least other people recognize my talent :p I am not bragging or anything but if I deserve to get in. It is just a matter of chance. Perhaps the folks who got in was very interested with the topic that their ideas overflowed. Maybe it just wasn't meant for me. Evrything happens for some crappy reason.

Basta... my time will come. You'll see.

ps.. don't I deserve to get in? judge my talent by my blog and read my past posts. Leave your answer on my CBOX. xoxo